There Was No Saving Him

Self preservation is a strange thing, it goes against how I’m hard wired. I’m wired to walk into tornados not walk away from them. Put others first and if there’s time left over than focus on myself.

Just when I think I have a handle on self care I blink and realize that is not at all what I’m doing. Sit still, quiet my mind, breathe, find my joy. These things are wrapped up in my daily choices. These should be my first thoughts. I turn to the outside world first forgetting to look inside myself and take inventory. What do I need? What choices should I make to remain in balance.
I walked away from a friend in need… he took his life. It haunts me. I never talk about him or that time, it’s a pain I’ve never been able to face. I couldn’t bring myself to attend his memorial, I haven’t been able to face his Mom. There was nothing I could do, I offered up some advice he couldn’t hear. My “self preservation” fell at a time when he needed me most. I was putting myself back together after having Hadley. I could hardly handle my own broken, never mind his. I have very few regrets, this is one. I should have defaulted to my old ways of putting others first. I do realize there was no “saving him”, still as I’ve started to own my part, I would have handled myself completely differently.

I know he’s found peace, I’m pretty sure he’s not angry with me, so I’ve decided instead of lugging around this regret I will allow his death to inspire me to find my own peace. Stay committed to self preservation but add an awareness I didn’t have at that time.

I miss his laugh, the way my head fit so nicely into his armpit when he’d give me his signature side hug. I miss the talks, the crys, the music we’d listen too. Light and love my friend.

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