Crying At A Two Top

It wasn’t till recently that I realized a few key things about myself.  1- Just because I spew truth filled words at someone about myself and my life does not mean we are emotionally connected. Hmm, then what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 2- I wear my heart on my sleeve, I often am considered inappropriate with information I do share. Hmm what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 

Holy shit! They don’t fill my cup. These patterns leave my cup empty. 

I may have misunderstood the assignment all these years. Now don’t get excited folks, this awareness may not out worldly change my behavior, but going forward I’m aware of my patterns and how the patterns are helping me or hurting me. I can’t foresee myself ever dropping my TMI personality. Have filter will use:) 

What does all this mean you ask. I’ve recently been in touch with a friend from my past, there is a value in revisiting your past. With my current life happenings my best friend, I adore her, questioned the “new” friendship from my past. “You are working so hard to find yourself again, is this person a distraction you really want?” As the words quickly fell out of my mouth explaining my draw to the person I was shocked to hear myself tell my bestie I was lonely. (Not sex lonely, that dept is not lacking). Emotionally lonely. 

Wow… I said it out loud. It hadn’t put it together till I was crying at a two top in our favorite restaurant. It’s the things that are the most painful that hide in the darkest places. It’s not till she pushed me for answers that I even allowed myself to acknowledge my loneliness.  At that moment, realizing what is missing in my days, the flood gates of sadness blew wide open. 

Lonely is painful and I’m not sure when emotionally lonely even came into play in  my life. But here I am reaching out to fill an emotional need from someone in my past. Why would I do that? 

Having had the weekend to think about all she said and spend some time with my friend, as well as some much needed time by myself,  I’m at a loss for direction. What I was hoping for was that I would find clarity about all that has happened in these last few years. What has happened is I’m left questioning myself. How do I fill my own cup? How do I begin to balance myself? Can I connect emotionally with someone? 

I’m going to need many more hours to work this one through. I’ll keep you posted. 

Live calm and carry on. 

Fear Can Wreck Ya 

I believe it’s imbedded in our culture to do better, to be better, to be the best. 
I’m scared that I won’t make the cut. I could list for you my collection of failures and then tell you some mumbo jumbo about them being life lessons, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Lessons from some of my failures birthed fear, and when faced with daily tasks like parenting, running a business, or even being a productive family member, I find that fear has me questioning myself about my choices. 

When faced with a new challenge I tend to air on the side of caution, bet ya didn’t know that about me. When fear sets in and the recording goes off in my head “do you really have what it takes to execute this?” It’s this recording that sends me into a tail spin. 

Dear fear please get out of my head. You are making life difficult. 

To rid my mind of it’s endless banter and quite the fear takes work. Being in the moment, mindful of how I’m feeling and how I’m addressing my emotions can be exhausting. Catching myself before the banter turns to worry, then to fear has been a priceless life skill. I hope to carry the skill with me always. 

Quiet my mind so I can be present and at peace. I may never fully master this skill,  but my awareness of it has given me back hours during my day.