My Big Girl Pants Are Giving Me A Wedgie

It all starts with a thought, an idea that will propel my life forward. Then the next thing I know I’m overwhelmed and begging for mercy. I believe I have a sickness LOL, not really. These ideas come to mind and if I don’t act on them they keep me up at night. They nag at any remaining space in my thoughts till I just have to find  away to make things happen.
~Join a support group! Why not, I can fit it in somewhere. Who knew there would be weekly tasks that would push me far out of my comfort zone that I’d need a map to get back.~Salon revamp! Sure, so easy to scale back 20 years of business . It’s been 13 days of beating myself up for making the change. Yup I forgot to text clients back about appointments on the regular. Along with all of the other loose ends some how it all seems to come together.~Raise my daughter. On it! She thinks I’m to busy for her, ugg it hearts my heart. I  thank my lucky stars I’ve got the flexibility to change my schedule to be with her more. Starting that in September, I promise.~Of course it’s time to hire an assistant. I need hand holding and help to keep my work and projects moving forward. Sure, let’s go out and give talks to the local groups of women who are suffering with a loved one that has an addiction. Please universe send me an assitant that will help me make a difference in one woman life.
I’ll never stop pushing myself, it’s just who I am. I’m always learning how to improve on myself and I’m always striving to be thoughtful about how my days are spent away from my kiddo. One things for certain my big girl pants are giving me a wedgie this week.

My Holiday in France Lifted a Fog

Grappling with the practice of calm and present has me realizing I’ve lost that piece of me that use too shine, that bit of je ne sais quoi that made me bright and vibrant.
Heading to France, I was worried I didn’t have it in me too relax and just vacation, too just be me. That I’d be unable to take a break from worrying about the things I can’t control. This anxious worrying often causes me too miss out on just being. What I’ve taken away from my trip is this, Don’t get hung up on where you think you should be, start living where you are.

Many kinds of conversations took place in France, placing much needed light on my perceived state of limbo. Quietly reminding me through his conscious, kind choices, my friend unknowingly flipped a switch for me. Ah, yes, there is a space I can be apart of that has no expectations of me. That in that space I matter. The Door opening, (I can not work a door in France to save my life! This includes bathroom doors, lmao) bag carrying, inquiries of my preference… all things I forgot that are an important part of life. These selfless acts of small kindness flowed without shame or ridicule. With out a whisper of wanting anything in return from me.
As I taxi out on the run way saying goodbye to a lovely visit, I’m writing this with truly a new lease on life. Leaving limbo behind.

Am I a Passenger or am I a captain of the life I live?
Captain.

Fear Can Wreck Ya 

I believe it’s imbedded in our culture to do better, to be better, to be the best. 
I’m scared that I won’t make the cut. I could list for you my collection of failures and then tell you some mumbo jumbo about them being life lessons, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Lessons from some of my failures birthed fear, and when faced with daily tasks like parenting, running a business, or even being a productive family member, I find that fear has me questioning myself about my choices. 

When faced with a new challenge I tend to air on the side of caution, bet ya didn’t know that about me. When fear sets in and the recording goes off in my head “do you really have what it takes to execute this?” It’s this recording that sends me into a tail spin. 

Dear fear please get out of my head. You are making life difficult. 

To rid my mind of it’s endless banter and quite the fear takes work. Being in the moment, mindful of how I’m feeling and how I’m addressing my emotions can be exhausting. Catching myself before the banter turns to worry, then to fear has been a priceless life skill. I hope to carry the skill with me always. 

Quiet my mind so I can be present and at peace. I may never fully master this skill,  but my awareness of it has given me back hours during my day.