Living In An Addicts Worlds

I’ve done the work, I continue todo the work, I have a great therapist. This post is about my moment of clarity. If you are reading this and connecting with me, I am with you. If you are wondering why I’m sharing this, you and I are in different places, and that’s ok. There are moments that I have as a loved one of an addict that linger and haunt me. There are so many I’ve lost track. The particular one that stands out for me, the one where the downward spiral ended, was when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than he was.My ability (sometimes called my super power) to read a situation and problem solve was not an attribute rather an achilles heal when it came to my addict. To say out loud, to acknowledge to anyone that I could not veer him from his path of destruction was devastating for me. A switch was flipped the day I found the words to describe my part in our crazy life. I no longer felt responsible for him, his actions, his excuses. A weight was lifted and in it’s place a big black hole of accountability lay in front of me. (Insert audible sigh) “I’m going to be in charge of myself and my kiddo, that’s it.” This became my mantra. If all that wasn’t  hard enough to swallow I had an “ah ha” moment that kicked me where it hurts. I’m part of the problem not the solution.Sweet Mary and Joseph!!! “I’m part of the problem”. At this point I wasn’t sure which way was up. It was as if I  kicked over a full filing cabinet and had to put all the flies back in a new, better functioning order.If you have your very own addict you know my struggle. If you are knew to the world of addiction buckle your seat belt. Addiction slowly sneaks into our lives. It quietly twist things around. It invokes fear and sadness, delivering confusion and angry. Then when it feels like you can’t take any more the family you love dearly implodes and the real tragedy begins. The break down of love and compassion. All the life we’ve lived, the life that made us us, criticized and ridiculed. We tourtured each other emotionally, placed blame. We pulled apart and strangled all that was sacred to us. The things we said, the nasty way we spoke to each other… It was horrific. I  wouldn’t change a thing. All that has happened has brought me to a place of understanding that I never would have gotten to if it wasn’t for the long drawn out process of getting myself to this place of self awareness. I needed to see first hand what it meant to hit rock bottom his, mine, ours (Yes, there is more than one rock bottom). Even with the switch flipped and my eyes wide open to the fact that I was part of our problem I  still was determined to save him.It was difficult and painful to choose to detach from my addict I  loved him. I wanted to keep him safe and alive. I wanted to hold onto the hope that he’d return to the sober man that I fell in love with. In one last very expensive ditch effort I put him on a plane to attend a rehab in Florida. I know, I  know, rookie mistake. The regret I have for making this choice has left a scar on my heart.My husband came home from that rehab five months later. He came home a different kind of broken than when he left. He’s was angry and lost and willing to give it all up as long as he didn’t have to work at sobriety. Didn’t have to face the self hate he carried. Do any work to better our family situation. What happened next… I never saw coming and I really thought I’d seen it all.To be continued…

I Hate That The Numbers Matter

I’m 44 (close to 50). 5’2″(with my shoes on). I wear a size 10 pant (31 in a fancy brand). My shoes are a 6.5 (small feet make for poor balance, but a great selection at the store). I’m 148 lbs (on any given day could be 154 lbs, I get super bloated). I know it shouldn’t, but some of  these numbers bother the hell out of me.
The 44 thing really doesn’t, it’s only when doctors start talking about the new an exciting things that have to be done because I’m aging, then I’m bothered. Aging is for the birds.
5’2″ well, that’s a tough one. Somedays short is where it’s at, other days I’m spending $50.00 to hem my new pants. I’d rather be spending $50.00 on more pants, maybe a top.
Size 10, can get dicey. Media in our modern world is telling me I should be a size 4. My very wide shoulders and hips are saying nothing smaller than an 8 for me. The ever present idea that women should be skinny can drive me nuts at times. I’ve learned to ignore the numbers in my clothing, and the media.
My only sadness I have around my 6.5size feet is if they were more like 7.5 would I be less clumsy?  Just a thought not a complaint.
148 lbs is where I loose it, I know if I feel good in my clothes the number shouldn’t matter, I hate that the number matters! For years I obsessively weighed myself each morning. The out come of my day sometimes depended on that number. I had to brake up with my scale, it’s been freeing. But I’m back on the crazy train.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have lived in the Marlin Monroe era where curvy and soft were sexy and sought after.
I was out with a friend recently, so excited to see her, when it came time to order she order veggies, she is a vegan, and I ordered a fish dish, ordered wine. No apps, we passed on the bread, the waiters response was “Watching what we eat ladies” he had the biggest grin on his face, as if he’d just won a round at trivia night. What an ass! Two size 10 women ordering delicious fish and veggies gets perceived as two big ladies who need to drop a few pounds. I had to dig deep not to tell him to shove it. “NO” was my brilliant response. It’s a hard truth to swallow that 5’2″, size 10 women are considered to be large. I believe if we had ordered apps, bread and big meals he probably would  have  thought to himself “those big ladies need to ease up on the intake”. It shouldn’t be this way. It’s not always possible to avoid hearing peoples perceptions or opinions, but I would love it if those perceptions and opinions had a broader acceptance on women’s body types.
It makes me sad to think my struggles may one day be my daughters (efforts and fingers crossed it won’t be). I wish the ideal women was portrayed larger and curvier than a 12 year old boy. Slender and svelte, I am on your side. Tall, tight and toned, I get it, that is beautiful. But could short and wide join the ranks of ideal beauty, PLEASE.
P.S. The art of giving compliments should be that waiters next college course.

My Big Girl Pants Are Giving Me A Wedgie

It all starts with a thought, an idea that will propel my life forward. Then the next thing I know I’m overwhelmed and begging for mercy. I believe I have a sickness LOL, not really. These ideas come to mind and if I don’t act on them they keep me up at night. They nag at any remaining space in my thoughts till I just have to find  away to make things happen.
~Join a support group! Why not, I can fit it in somewhere. Who knew there would be weekly tasks that would push me far out of my comfort zone that I’d need a map to get back.~Salon revamp! Sure, so easy to scale back 20 years of business . It’s been 13 days of beating myself up for making the change. Yup I forgot to text clients back about appointments on the regular. Along with all of the other loose ends some how it all seems to come together.~Raise my daughter. On it! She thinks I’m to busy for her, ugg it hearts my heart. I  thank my lucky stars I’ve got the flexibility to change my schedule to be with her more. Starting that in September, I promise.~Of course it’s time to hire an assistant. I need hand holding and help to keep my work and projects moving forward. Sure, let’s go out and give talks to the local groups of women who are suffering with a loved one that has an addiction. Please universe send me an assitant that will help me make a difference in one woman life.
I’ll never stop pushing myself, it’s just who I am. I’m always learning how to improve on myself and I’m always striving to be thoughtful about how my days are spent away from my kiddo. One things for certain my big girl pants are giving me a wedgie this week.

Quitting Vs. Moving On

It’s all too often when we change direction in life and exit the “something” we are trying, someone calls us out on it. Quitter! We seem to scramble to make excuses why we are not quitters and in fact we had good reason to move on from our endeavor.Here are a few of my recent Quits or were they?

  1. I blindly signed up with a business coaching group. I believe there is much for me to learn and in my hast for help I fell quickly into the “don’t ask any question, just giver her my money, she said she has a solution” category. Now with that said I have learned a ton from this woman and she has helped my business tremendously, but what she is selling isn’t where I see myself in the future.  I’m not working to my potential and I’m not following instructions. I’m taking what I can and making the projects happen, but not how she is instructing us. This is a costly design, Quitter! Maybe so, but who’s to say when I’m getting results.
  2.  I started counting calories, I did great for months, lost some weight, was feeling so good. What happen you ask, I got busy, stressed, not enough hours in the day, blah blah blah. Plain and simple I quit, I quit on the task, I quit on myself and I quit on the purpose of being healthier and happier with my own body. Boooo, Bad me. This is a clear case of Quitting, so I began again and I will do it better this time because I recognize my triggers that stopped me, this time I will move (trip) past the triggers and work towards my goals and not focus on my failures. Focus on the success, how small they maybe. Calorie counting I love you! I may quit again, who knows, but each time I start, and I will start again, it will get easier to move away from the quitting pattern and follow through to triumph. Wooo!
  3.  I recently was given a health warning, my gut isn’t good and needs a reset. The Master Cleanse was suggested and after researching it I gave it a go. Well I made it 2 days, they suggest 10. The vomiting and nausea got my questioning, where is the love? The headache and dizziness sent me to google, what is an alternative to what I was doing. Start eating food again, ahhh simple, I like that. I quit the cleanse (10day food fast). Quitter! or am I ? I have an awareness now that I didn’t before and I learned a ton about where I should take my food consumption for my gut issues. When faced with my quitting the cleanse I didn’t turn to my standard oreo for comfort, I went to problem solving and eating vegetables. I feel like it’s a win.

Do you see what I’m saying… When is it quitting, giving up and when is it moving on for the greater good of your self, your life.What a horrible feeling to look in the mirror and face the hard truth that when the going gets tough I hightail it for the OREO’s and excuses. I hate that feeling, but today I didn’t take it there. I didn’t go to “Quitter Land”, today I went straight to moving on, today I made the connection that I tried, things don’t always fit at the moment and that ok. These things can be tried again in the future. There is no one grading me on any of this.  I only answer to me and I have to do what’s right for me (Only then will it all be right with the universe).

You Will Always Have Love

I was 28 when a women next to me at a bar turned abruptly to me and said “You’ll birth a baby girl”.

“Who me?” Little did she know that wasn’t medically possible for me.

“I’m a bit drunk and I’m a medium. There is this nagging something that wants you to know you’ll birth a baby girl”.

I thanked her, I smiled and walked away with my delicious drink. I remember thinking she should slow down she’s had way to much of the good stuff.

I was 35 when the ultrasound tech announced I was having a girl.

Really…

How in Gods name did you get that info from all that fuzzy stuff on that tiny screen and holy hell that lady was right!

Instantly the conversation with the drunk lady in that bar played in my head like a movie.

How did she know!!!!!!

I was rocked to my core. Plenty of drunk strangers have said weird things to me… this one was different. This lady was right.

Last year I came across a lovely women while looking for insight and answers into a long drawn out battle with myself, stay in my marriage or leave.

I had exhausted self help books, therapist, support groups, a local pastor, and all sorts of other traditional “please help me get right with my life” stuff that I could come up with.

Kim was a breath of fresh air. She is a spiritual advisor, she has the ability to channel different energies that show her information. Skeptical right, I know I was, but I was open to anything at this point. The universe literally put her in front of me at a friends house. I won’t go into a ton of detail, but know this, she knew nothing about me. I had never met her. She spent less than 5 min. talking with me before she started her reading with me.

The first thing she said is your first child is always with you. What!!!!! How could she have known I had a miscarriage. Parlor trick?

The second thing she referenced was the “how I found out I was having a girl” situation.

Wait what? I sat still and silent as she tried to explain what the energy/spirt was showing her. “A blonde in a bar who knew before you did? Does that sound right?” She said. My mouth dropped…. there is no way she could come up with that!!!!

I have never included the color of the women’s hair when I retell that story.

Kim, I have got some questions for you!!!

I met with Kim 3 times over the last year. She is lovely. Soft spoken and unobtrusive.

At the end of our last session together she said “they want you to know, no matter what, you will always have love. You will always love and be loved. You won’t be alone”.

It wasn’t till she said it that I was aware of how scared I really was of losing one of the greatest loves I’ve known. Even though it had gone south. I was scared I’d never love again. It was in her words I found the peace and strength to remember “better to have loved and felt loss than never to have loved at all.” With Kim’s final words that day she completed a puzzle that had tore me up for years, stay or leave. Leave because I love myself, leave because I love Hadley, leave because I love him, leave because we all deserve a life less tortured. Leave because we all deserve to be loved in a way that brings us joy.

I’m thankful to have known love and be afraid to lose that love.

Imagine never knowing love… I just can’t.

I believe we’d be lost without love.

I’m driven by my love and am hopefull I’ll find it again.