Fear Can Wreck Ya 

I believe it’s imbedded in our culture to do better, to be better, to be the best. 
I’m scared that I won’t make the cut. I could list for you my collection of failures and then tell you some mumbo jumbo about them being life lessons, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Lessons from some of my failures birthed fear, and when faced with daily tasks like parenting, running a business, or even being a productive family member, I find that fear has me questioning myself about my choices. 

When faced with a new challenge I tend to air on the side of caution, bet ya didn’t know that about me. When fear sets in and the recording goes off in my head “do you really have what it takes to execute this?” It’s this recording that sends me into a tail spin. 

Dear fear please get out of my head. You are making life difficult. 

To rid my mind of it’s endless banter and quite the fear takes work. Being in the moment, mindful of how I’m feeling and how I’m addressing my emotions can be exhausting. Catching myself before the banter turns to worry, then to fear has been a priceless life skill. I hope to carry the skill with me always. 

Quiet my mind so I can be present and at peace. I may never fully master this skill,  but my awareness of it has given me back hours during my day. 

Forgiveness is Tricky 

“I forgive you” it just rolls off the tongue. To forgive goes much deeper than words. Forgiveness is an action driven by emotion. To practice forgiveness takes mindfulness, dedication, and a willingness to move forward.

With our 5 month old in tow we headed to an ENT. His infection had spread through his sinus cavities and was threatening to enter his brain. He needed surgery to figure out his diagnoses. I had no idea what was about to unfold.

Surgery day, that hallway where I got the news, is burned into my memory. Hearing the surgeon say the words “he’s lucky he isn’t dead” started a serious of events that changed our lives forever.

A rush of thoughts and reactions exploded all at once in my head. Then it felt as if someone had karate chopped my throat. I fell to my knees that morning, everything went dark, my ears were ringing so loud I couldn’t hear, my chest was pounding, my stomach in a knot. When the hot sweats left I caught my breath, I called my best friend. He showed up pronto. His hug was the kind of hug you never forget.

As my bestie and I talked it out I explained how I thought I was losing my mind. That it was a relief to know I was dealing with a man who had an addiction. He encourage me to seek help. Scared, broken and feeling like I couldn’t even trust myself, I went for that help. I did not know what I was in for.

First thing the therapist said “Be sad, be angry, have a pity party. Get your self to a meeting. But figure out whether or not you are on this journey with him. (Great advice) I was forced to really look at myself and figure out where my place was in our mess, cause hell ya I was angry, so angry in fact that I was stuck. I just wanted to punch him. It felt like I’d never be able to move on. As I worked through those emotions my therapist said “When you are ready to forgive, I’ll introduce the tools of forgiveness. But you need to be ready.”  I never would have thought learning and practicing forgiveness would be the hardest part of the recovery process.  She later shared “Your heart has to be in it and willing to do the work.” Mind blown! So I began to learn how to forgive.

I sat in a room full of mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, wives, husbands, sisters and brothers. Horror stories being thrown around like war stories. The devastation caused by their loved ones was awful, unspeakable acts of pain had been inflicted. I found comfort in these people’s stories. To have someone know your shit show with no explanation was nirvana. It was in these meetings I found an understanding of my love for my active user and I found my will to forgive.

To forgive is to let go of the pain and replace it with hope.  Forgiving offers up so much more than another chance. It opens your mind to the compassion your heart wants to give. To forgive him has been the single hardest task I’ve faced next to birthing our daughter. The act of forgiving him has given me inner peace an awareness I’m not sure I would have found otherwise.

Faced at forgiving him a second time I realized I now need to learn to forgive myself. What a wierd turn of events. Not sure there are meetings for this. Lol

It’s Not About the When It’s About the How

When will I learn… I’ve asked this question a thousand times. I realized if I stop asking myself “when” and start asking myself “how” I can avoid heading down the self deprecating path to shitsville. I hate shitsville, it’s a terrible place. Shitsville only offers up stress and self doubt.

Instead of defaulting to time (when) to fix my issues I reach for actions (how) to resolve them. Asking myself “how can I problem solve” instead of “when will this end” has helped me move past my troubles. As I turn my when’s to how’s I’m able to figure out solutions that keep me moving forward. I don’t want to be stuck, I just can’t always find the words to move past my stuck.

Asking with a “how” instead of a “when” changes the conversation. In changing the conversation we change our out come. “When will I start to live in the moment?” This is like waiting for a day and time for our problem to be solved, not leaving room for problem solving, this keeps us stuck.

“How can I start living in the moment?” This demands us to act, puts our minds to work finding solution that keep us moving forward. (Wish I had figured this one out in my youth)

How to love, how to forgive, how to be happy. It’s all in the doing not in the waiting. Life can be difficult at times, learning to let go of “when” will it be better and focusing on “how” I can make it better seems to be the piece of the puzzle I’ve been missing. 

Happily Ever Afters Are Messy

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I can put together a pretty kickass pity party, I can really steep in it sometimes. I find myself quickly trying to turn that pity into a positive, cause who the hell doesn’t have struggles these days. I’ve met a huge amount of people in my line of work,  each one has a life struggle, major or not it impacts them in some way or another. What I’ve taken from these amazing poeple and thier life stories is that “Happily Ever Afters” are messy.

You never start out with the intention to lead a diffulcult life. We don’t grow up wishing for things to be tragic, so why do some of us find it diffucult to look on the bright side. I’ll never be certain what is in someone else’s head or how they interpret the world around them, if I had to make a guess, some of us got it wrong.  We are searching for a not so messy “Happliy Ever After” like the one in the movies. Spoiler alert! We ain’t ever gonna find it (not how we think that is). It’s like Santa, a great legend that brings us smiles and hope, but isn’t tangible. (Nothing against Santa, I love the holiday!)

Changing your mind set can be a powerful thing, now there is no need to lie to ourselves and say everything is coming up roses, but could, when the negitive recordings go off in our brains, it be possible to talk ourselves off the “my life sucks” ledge…

Could we train ourselves to be brighter side of life people…

Could that brighter side be the “Happliy Ever After” some of us think we are missing…

Can we be taught that happy is not perfect, it’s messy…

Can we learn to love our mess and think of it less as a struggle and more like a journey, not a journey that will end, but one that will continuly change…

Can we accept the moving pieces of change and be happy with that…

I vote yes! I would much rather live a life looking at a messy “Happily Ever After” than no “Happily Ever After” at all. Besides a pity party really eats into my much coveted free time.

Quitting VS. Moving On

Quitter!

It’s all to often when we change direction in life and exit the “something” we are trying, someone calls us out on it, Quitter! We seem to scramble to make excuses why we are not quitters and in fact we had good reason to move on from our endeavor.

Here are a few of my recent Quits or were they?

1.I blindly signed up with a business coaching group. I believe there is much for me to learn and in my hast for help I fell quickly into the “don’t ask any question, just giver her my money, she said she has a solution” category. Now with that said I have learned a ton from this woman and she has helped my salon business tremendously, but what she is selling isn’t where I see myself in the future, ergo I’m not working to my potential and I’m not following instructions. I’m taking what I can and making the projects happen, but not how she is instructing us. This is a costly design, Quitter! Maybe so, who’s to say really….

2.I started counting calories, I did great for months, lost some weight, was feeling so good. What happen you ask, I got busy, stressed, not enough hours in the day, blah blah blah. Plain and simple I quit, I quit on the task, I quit on myself and I quit on the purpose of being healthier and happier with my own body. Boooo, Bad me. This is a clear case of Quitting, so I began again and I will do it better this time because I recognize my triggers that stopped me, this time I will move (trip) past them and work towards my goals and not focus on my failures. Focus on the success, how small they maybe. Calorie counting I love you! I may quit again, who knows, but each time I start, and I will start again it will get easier to move away from the quitting pattern and follow through to triumph.

3. I recently was given a health warning, my gut isn’t good and needs a reset. The Master Cleanse was suggested and after researching it I gave it a go. Well I made it 2 days, they suggest 10. The vomiting and nausea got my questioning, where is the love? The headache and dizziness sent me to google, what is an alternative to what I was doing. Start eating food again, ahhh simple, I like that. I quit the cleanse (10day food fast). Quitter! or am I:) I have an awareness now that I didn’t before and I learned a ton about where I should take my food consumption for my gut issues. When faced with my quitting the cleanse I didn’t turn to my standard oreo for comfort, I went to problem solving and eating vegetables.

Do you see what I’m saying… When is it quitting, giving up and when is it moving on for the greater good of your self, your life.

What a horrible feeling to look in the mirror and face the hard truth that when the going gets tough I hightail it for the OREO’s and excuses. I hate that feeling, but today I didn’t take it there. I didn’t go to “Quitter Land”, today I went straight to moving on, today I made the connection that I tried, things don’t always fit at the moment. These things can be tried again in the future. There is no one grading you on any of this.  I only answer to me and I have to do what’s right for me. (Only then will it all be right with the universe)