Terrified

When I’m in the thick of my personal tragedy it is hard to see a future with out the looming repercussions of said tragedy.
I’ve spent many hours filling my head with banter, talking myself into or out of what ever bull crap that was slapping me in the face at the time. Telling myself to just keep going, things will get better. They usually always have gotten better.

These last 3 years wore me down, wore me out, and burned me out. Any love I had for humanity I started to question. Chewed up and spit out seems dramatic, but that’s how It felt.
Last year I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had become my tragedy. Whatttt!!!!! I was terrified and slightly horrified.
I actually hated myself, disgusted that I’d let it take me over. That I had lost the ability to process it and move thru it. I’d been working so hard with my therapist how could this be?! Well you weren’t working on you Ange, you were working on your addict/ alcoholic. Mother of God!!!! (shaking fist at the sky) No one to blame but me.
I lost sight of my foundation, the place I come back to when I’m knocked off my game. Why?

I realized it I hadn’t nurtured or cared for my core foundation. I hadn’t done the work to keep myself standing in my values as I grew and aged. Result… one big tragic storm came along and knocked me on my ass. Holy hell.

Emerging from this tragedy I actually like myself. I’m comfortable again in my skin. The work I’m doing to care for myself and Hadley has me at peace. My heart is open, my head is clear and my foundation strong again.

I will forever be great full that the people I hold in my heart who watched this ugly process and we’re nothing, but kind, understanding, and most of all loving.
With my newly built, intact foundation I’m ready to help carry the weight of our lives again. It’s nice to be back:)

My Holiday in France Lifted a Fog

Grappling with the practice of calm and present has me realizing I’ve lost that piece of me that use too shine, that bit of je ne sais quoi that made me bright and vibrant.
Heading to France, I was worried I didn’t have it in me too relax and just vacation, too just be me. That I’d be unable to take a break from worrying about the things I can’t control. This anxious worrying often causes me too miss out on just being.What I’ve taken away from my trip is this, Don’t get hung up on where you think you should be, start living where you are.

Many kinds of conversations took place in France, shedding much needed light on my perceived state of limbo. Quietly reminding me through his conscious, kind choices, my friend unknowingly flipped a switch for me. Ah, yes, there is a space I can be apart of that has no expectations of me. That in that space I matter. The Door opening, (I can not work a door in France to save my life! This includes bathroom doors, lmao) bag carrying, inquiries of my preference… all things I forgot that are an important part of life. These selfless acts of small kindness flowed without shame or ridicule. With out a whisper of wanting anything in return from me.
As I taxi out on the run way saying goodbye to a lovely visit, I’m writing this with truly a new lease on life. Leaving limbo behind.

Am I a Passenger or am I a captain of the life I live?
Captain.

Crying At A Two Top

It wasn’t till recently that I realized a few key things about myself.  1- Just because I spew truth filled words at someone about myself and my life does not mean we are emotionally connected. Hmm, then what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 2- I wear my heart on my sleeve, I often am considered inappropriate with information I do share. Hmm what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 

Holy shit! They don’t fill my cup. These patterns leave my cup empty. 

I may have misunderstood the assignment all these years. Now don’t get excited folks, this awareness may not out worldly change my behavior, but going forward I’m aware of my patterns and how the patterns are helping me or hurting me. I can’t foresee myself ever dropping my TMI personality. Have filter will use:) 

What does all this mean you ask. I’ve recently been in touch with a friend from my past, there is a value in revisiting your past. With my current life happenings my best friend, I adore her, questioned the “new” friendship from my past. “You are working so hard to find yourself again, is this person a distraction you really want?” As the words quickly fell out of my mouth explaining my draw to the person I was shocked to hear myself tell my bestie I was lonely. (Not sex lonely, that dept is not lacking). Emotionally lonely. 

Wow… I said it out loud. It hadn’t put it together till I was crying at a two top in our favorite restaurant. It’s the things that are the most painful that hide in the darkest places. It’s not till she pushed me for answers that I even allowed myself to acknowledge my loneliness.  At that moment, realizing what is missing in my days, the flood gates of sadness blew wide open. 

Lonely is painful and I’m not sure when emotionally lonely even came into play in  my life. But here I am reaching out to fill an emotional need from someone in my past. Why would I do that? 

Having had the weekend to think about all she said and spend some time with my friend, as well as some much needed time by myself,  I’m at a loss for direction. What I was hoping for was that I would find clarity about all that has happened in these last few years. What has happened is I’m left questioning myself. How do I fill my own cup? How do I begin to balance myself? Can I connect emotionally with someone? 

I’m going to need many more hours to work this one through. I’ll keep you posted. 

Live calm and carry on. 

Fear Can Wreck Ya 

I believe it’s imbedded in our culture to do better, to be better, to be the best. 
I’m scared that I won’t make the cut. I could list for you my collection of failures and then tell you some mumbo jumbo about them being life lessons, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Lessons from some of my failures birthed fear, and when faced with daily tasks like parenting, running a business, or even being a productive family member, I find that fear has me questioning myself about my choices. 

When faced with a new challenge I tend to air on the side of caution, bet ya didn’t know that about me. When fear sets in and the recording goes off in my head “do you really have what it takes to execute this?” It’s this recording that sends me into a tail spin. 

Dear fear please get out of my head. You are making life difficult. 

To rid my mind of it’s endless banter and quite the fear takes work. Being in the moment, mindful of how I’m feeling and how I’m addressing my emotions can be exhausting. Catching myself before the banter turns to worry, then to fear has been a priceless life skill. I hope to carry the skill with me always. 

Quiet my mind so I can be present and at peace. I may never fully master this skill,  but my awareness of it has given me back hours during my day. 

Laughter Can Distract You From Yourself

Every 4 weeks I visit a waxing salon to get my face, armpits, and downstairs cleaned up. Every 4 weeks I struggle with the embarressment and disgust I feel over my large C-section scar/ akward abominal scar/ strange bellybutton scar from the many surgeries I needed to put my insides back to good after having my daughter.

I see a great gal, she laughs with me instead of giving me that “no stop it, your beautiful” speech. It’s truly refreshing to have someone agree your front side doesn’t exactly look like the norm. Today, in her adoring smile, she said “you look amazing with your clothes on.” I nearly peed myself laughing. She knew just what to say to lighten my awkwardness and make feel comfortable.
I wish all humans were so kind. Thank you friendly neighborhood waxing lady, I’d be lost with out you.

Side note, my daughter was worth every scar. I wouldn’t change a thing.

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