Terrified

When I’m in the thick of my personal tragedy it is hard to see a future with out the looming repercussions of said tragedy.
I’ve spent many hours filling my head with banter, talking myself into or out of what ever bull crap that was slapping me in the face at the time. Telling myself to just keep going, things will get better. They usually always have gotten better.

These last 3 years wore me down, wore me out, and burned me out. Any love I had for humanity I started to question. Chewed up and spit out seems dramatic, but that’s how It felt.
Last year I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had become my tragedy. Whatttt!!!!! I was terrified and slightly horrified.
I actually hated myself, disgusted that I’d let it take me over. That I had lost the ability to process it and move thru it. I’d been working so hard with my therapist how could this be?! Well you weren’t working on you Ange, you were working on your addict/ alcoholic. Mother of God!!!! (shaking fist at the sky) No one to blame but me.
I lost sight of my foundation, the place I come back to when I’m knocked off my game. Why?

I realized it I hadn’t nurtured or cared for my core foundation. I hadn’t done the work to keep myself standing in my values as I grew and aged. Result… one big tragic storm came along and knocked me on my ass. Holy hell.

Emerging from this tragedy I actually like myself. I’m comfortable again in my skin. The work I’m doing to care for myself and Hadley has me at peace. My heart is open, my head is clear and my foundation strong again.

I will forever be great full that the people I hold in my heart who watched this ugly process and we’re nothing, but kind, understanding, and most of all loving.
With my newly built, intact foundation I’m ready to help carry the weight of our lives again. It’s nice to be back:)

Crying At A Two Top

It wasn’t till recently that I realized a few key things about myself.  1- Just because I spew truth filled words at someone about myself and my life does not mean we are emotionally connected. Hmm, then what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 2- I wear my heart on my sleeve, I often am considered inappropriate with information I do share. Hmm what is it about this pattern that fills my cup? 

Holy shit! They don’t fill my cup. These patterns leave my cup empty. 

I may have misunderstood the assignment all these years. Now don’t get excited folks, this awareness may not out worldly change my behavior, but going forward I’m aware of my patterns and how the patterns are helping me or hurting me. I can’t foresee myself ever dropping my TMI personality. Have filter will use:) 

What does all this mean you ask. I’ve recently been in touch with a friend from my past, there is a value in revisiting your past. With my current life happenings my best friend, I adore her, questioned the “new” friendship from my past. “You are working so hard to find yourself again, is this person a distraction you really want?” As the words quickly fell out of my mouth explaining my draw to the person I was shocked to hear myself tell my bestie I was lonely. (Not sex lonely, that dept is not lacking). Emotionally lonely. 

Wow… I said it out loud. It hadn’t put it together till I was crying at a two top in our favorite restaurant. It’s the things that are the most painful that hide in the darkest places. It’s not till she pushed me for answers that I even allowed myself to acknowledge my loneliness.  At that moment, realizing what is missing in my days, the flood gates of sadness blew wide open. 

Lonely is painful and I’m not sure when emotionally lonely even came into play in  my life. But here I am reaching out to fill an emotional need from someone in my past. Why would I do that? 

Having had the weekend to think about all she said and spend some time with my friend, as well as some much needed time by myself,  I’m at a loss for direction. What I was hoping for was that I would find clarity about all that has happened in these last few years. What has happened is I’m left questioning myself. How do I fill my own cup? How do I begin to balance myself? Can I connect emotionally with someone? 

I’m going to need many more hours to work this one through. I’ll keep you posted. 

Live calm and carry on. 

Fear Can Wreck Ya 

I believe it’s imbedded in our culture to do better, to be better, to be the best. 
I’m scared that I won’t make the cut. I could list for you my collection of failures and then tell you some mumbo jumbo about them being life lessons, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Lessons from some of my failures birthed fear, and when faced with daily tasks like parenting, running a business, or even being a productive family member, I find that fear has me questioning myself about my choices. 

When faced with a new challenge I tend to air on the side of caution, bet ya didn’t know that about me. When fear sets in and the recording goes off in my head “do you really have what it takes to execute this?” It’s this recording that sends me into a tail spin. 

Dear fear please get out of my head. You are making life difficult. 

To rid my mind of it’s endless banter and quite the fear takes work. Being in the moment, mindful of how I’m feeling and how I’m addressing my emotions can be exhausting. Catching myself before the banter turns to worry, then to fear has been a priceless life skill. I hope to carry the skill with me always. 

Quiet my mind so I can be present and at peace. I may never fully master this skill,  but my awareness of it has given me back hours during my day. 

Forgiveness is Tricky 

“I forgive you” it just rolls off the tongue. To forgive goes much deeper than words. Forgiveness is an action driven by emotion. To practice forgiveness takes mindfulness, dedication, and a willingness to move forward.

With our 5 month old in tow we headed to an ENT. His infection had spread through his sinus cavities and was threatening to enter his brain. He needed surgery to figure out his diagnoses. I had no idea what was about to unfold.

Surgery day, that hallway where I got the news, is burned into my memory. Hearing the surgeon say the words “he’s lucky he isn’t dead” started a serious of events that changed our lives forever.

A rush of thoughts and reactions exploded all at once in my head. Then it felt as if someone had karate chopped my throat. I fell to my knees that morning, everything went dark, my ears were ringing so loud I couldn’t hear, my chest was pounding, my stomach in a knot. When the hot sweats left I caught my breath, I called my best friend. He showed up pronto. His hug was the kind of hug you never forget.

As my bestie and I talked it out I explained how I thought I was losing my mind. That it was a relief to know I was dealing with a man who had an addiction. He encourage me to seek help. Scared, broken and feeling like I couldn’t even trust myself, I went for that help. I did not know what I was in for.

First thing the therapist said “Be sad, be angry, have a pity party. Get your self to a meeting. But figure out whether or not you are on this journey with him. (Great advice) I was forced to really look at myself and figure out where my place was in our mess, cause hell ya I was angry, so angry in fact that I was stuck. I just wanted to punch him. It felt like I’d never be able to move on. As I worked through those emotions my therapist said “When you are ready to forgive, I’ll introduce the tools of forgiveness. But you need to be ready.”  I never would have thought learning and practicing forgiveness would be the hardest part of the recovery process.  She later shared “Your heart has to be in it and willing to do the work.” Mind blown! So I began to learn how to forgive.

I sat in a room full of mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, wives, husbands, sisters and brothers. Horror stories being thrown around like war stories. The devastation caused by their loved ones was awful, unspeakable acts of pain had been inflicted. I found comfort in these people’s stories. To have someone know your shit show with no explanation was nirvana. It was in these meetings I found an understanding of my love for my active user and I found my will to forgive.

To forgive is to let go of the pain and replace it with hope.  Forgiving offers up so much more than another chance. It opens your mind to the compassion your heart wants to give. To forgive him has been the single hardest task I’ve faced next to birthing our daughter. The act of forgiving him has given me inner peace an awareness I’m not sure I would have found otherwise.

Faced at forgiving him a second time I realized I now need to learn to forgive myself. What a wierd turn of events. Not sure there are meetings for this. Lol

It’s Not About the When It’s About the How

When will I learn… I’ve asked this question a thousand times. I realized if I stop asking myself “when” and start asking myself “how” I can avoid heading down the self deprecating path to shitsville. I hate shitsville, it’s a terrible place. Shitsville only offers up stress and self doubt.

Instead of defaulting to time (when) to fix my issues I reach for actions (how) to resolve them. Asking myself “how can I problem solve” instead of “when will this end” has helped me move past my troubles. As I turn my when’s to how’s I’m able to figure out solutions that keep me moving forward. I don’t want to be stuck, I just can’t always find the words to move past my stuck.

Asking with a “how” instead of a “when” changes the conversation. In changing the conversation we change our out come. “When will I start to live in the moment?” This is like waiting for a day and time for our problem to be solved, not leaving room for problem solving, this keeps us stuck.

“How can I start living in the moment?” This demands us to act, puts our minds to work finding solution that keep us moving forward. (Wish I had figured this one out in my youth)

How to love, how to forgive, how to be happy. It’s all in the doing not in the waiting. Life can be difficult at times, learning to let go of “when” will it be better and focusing on “how” I can make it better seems to be the piece of the puzzle I’ve been missing.