Living In An Addicts Worlds

I’ve done the work, I continue todo the work, I have a great therapist. This post is about my moment of clarity. If you are reading this and connecting with me, I am with you. If you are wondering why I’m sharing this, you and I are in different places, and that’s ok. There are moments that I have as a loved one of an addict that linger and haunt me. There are so many I’ve lost track. The particular one that stands out for me, the one where the downward spiral ended, was when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than he was.My ability (sometimes called my super power) to read a situation and problem solve was not an attribute rather an achilles heal when it came to my addict. To say out loud, to acknowledge to anyone that I could not veer him from his path of destruction was devastating for me. A switch was flipped the day I found the words to describe my part in our crazy life. I no longer felt responsible for him, his actions, his excuses. A weight was lifted and in it’s place a big black hole of accountability lay in front of me. (Insert audible sigh) “I’m going to be in charge of myself and my kiddo, that’s it.” This became my mantra. If all that wasn’t  hard enough to swallow I had an “ah ha” moment that kicked me where it hurts. I’m part of the problem not the solution.Sweet Mary and Joseph!!! “I’m part of the problem”. At this point I wasn’t sure which way was up. It was as if I  kicked over a full filing cabinet and had to put all the flies back in a new, better functioning order.If you have your very own addict you know my struggle. If you are knew to the world of addiction buckle your seat belt. Addiction slowly sneaks into our lives. It quietly twist things around. It invokes fear and sadness, delivering confusion and angry. Then when it feels like you can’t take any more the family you love dearly implodes and the real tragedy begins. The break down of love and compassion. All the life we’ve lived, the life that made us us, criticized and ridiculed. We tourtured each other emotionally, placed blame. We pulled apart and strangled all that was sacred to us. The things we said, the nasty way we spoke to each other… It was horrific. I  wouldn’t change a thing. All that has happened has brought me to a place of understanding that I never would have gotten to if it wasn’t for the long drawn out process of getting myself to this place of self awareness. I needed to see first hand what it meant to hit rock bottom his, mine, ours (Yes, there is more than one rock bottom). Even with the switch flipped and my eyes wide open to the fact that I was part of our problem I  still was determined to save him.It was difficult and painful to choose to detach from my addict I  loved him. I wanted to keep him safe and alive. I wanted to hold onto the hope that he’d return to the sober man that I fell in love with. In one last very expensive ditch effort I put him on a plane to attend a rehab in Florida. I know, I  know, rookie mistake. The regret I have for making this choice has left a scar on my heart.My husband came home from that rehab five months later. He came home a different kind of broken than when he left. He’s was angry and lost and willing to give it all up as long as he didn’t have to work at sobriety. Didn’t have to face the self hate he carried. Do any work to better our family situation. What happened next… I never saw coming and I really thought I’d seen it all.To be continued…

I Hate That The Numbers Matter

I’m 44 (close to 50). 5’2″(with my shoes on). I wear a size 10 pant (31 in a fancy brand). My shoes are a 6.5 (small feet make for poor balance, but a great selection at the store). I’m 148 lbs (on any given day could be 154 lbs, I get super bloated). I know it shouldn’t, but some of  these numbers bother the hell out of me.
The 44 thing really doesn’t, it’s only when doctors start talking about the new an exciting things that have to be done because I’m aging, then I’m bothered. Aging is for the birds.
5’2″ well, that’s a tough one. Somedays short is where it’s at, other days I’m spending $50.00 to hem my new pants. I’d rather be spending $50.00 on more pants, maybe a top.
Size 10, can get dicey. Media in our modern world is telling me I should be a size 4. My very wide shoulders and hips are saying nothing smaller than an 8 for me. The ever present idea that women should be skinny can drive me nuts at times. I’ve learned to ignore the numbers in my clothing, and the media.
My only sadness I have around my 6.5size feet is if they were more like 7.5 would I be less clumsy?  Just a thought not a complaint.
148 lbs is where I loose it, I know if I feel good in my clothes the number shouldn’t matter, I hate that the number matters! For years I obsessively weighed myself each morning. The out come of my day sometimes depended on that number. I had to brake up with my scale, it’s been freeing. But I’m back on the crazy train.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have lived in the Marlin Monroe era where curvy and soft were sexy and sought after.
I was out with a friend recently, so excited to see her, when it came time to order she order veggies, she is a vegan, and I ordered a fish dish, ordered wine. No apps, we passed on the bread, the waiters response was “Watching what we eat ladies” he had the biggest grin on his face, as if he’d just won a round at trivia night. What an ass! Two size 10 women ordering delicious fish and veggies gets perceived as two big ladies who need to drop a few pounds. I had to dig deep not to tell him to shove it. “NO” was my brilliant response. It’s a hard truth to swallow that 5’2″, size 10 women are considered to be large. I believe if we had ordered apps, bread and big meals he probably would  have  thought to himself “those big ladies need to ease up on the intake”. It shouldn’t be this way. It’s not always possible to avoid hearing peoples perceptions or opinions, but I would love it if those perceptions and opinions had a broader acceptance on women’s body types.
It makes me sad to think my struggles may one day be my daughters (efforts and fingers crossed it won’t be). I wish the ideal women was portrayed larger and curvier than a 12 year old boy. Slender and svelte, I am on your side. Tall, tight and toned, I get it, that is beautiful. But could short and wide join the ranks of ideal beauty, PLEASE.
P.S. The art of giving compliments should be that waiters next college course.

I Ran Till My Legs Hurt More Than My Heart

Today the memory of a painful moment in my life came rushing in. I have to admit I was a bit taken back by its timing…I’ll never forget, I was carrying the clean laundry, I had just set foot on the first step to head up stairs. He was yelling, we were always yelling at each other, I stepped back and put the laundry basket on the floor, sat on the first step and laid my head in my hands. I had been so unhappy for so long there wasn’t any fight left, I stared at the hard wood floors wondering how we got to this point, wondering when I lost myself, hopping he’d stop yelling. I chuckled to myself, as if I had just seen a funny Saturday night live skit, then the weight of realty hit my chest, my heart was pounding, I got flush, couldn’t breath. I looked up to see my running sneakers next to the front door, I put them on, I dragged my panicked self out the front door and I started running. One block, two blocks, three blocks with every pounding step the realization of my situation and the action I needed to take became clearer. Ten blocks, eleven blocks, I don’t want to live like this. Nineteen and twenty blocks, I’m not a yeller, how did I get like this!!!! What’s wrong with me? Can I be saved? Wait, I don’t want to be saved… Get me off this crazy train!I ran till my legs hurt more than my heart, than I ran till my toes went numb. I fell to the ground, gasping for air, tear filled eyes and told myself “Get up, the owner of the yard I’m laying in will call the cops. Get up, don’t let this take you down. Get up, you need to discover what happy feels like”.As I rounded the corner back to the house (my lungs burning, my legs hurting) I could see him waiting for me on the front porch, befuddled and confused he shouted out “You alright?” I didn’t respond right away. He repeated him self. Now, just a few feet away from him, I swallowed hard and blurted out “I want a divorce, I can’t live like this!”.My ex-husband and I did’t separate because we didn’t love each other, we separated because the reasons we got together were no longer there. If you love something set it free. I didn’t like who we’d become, who I had become. I no longer felt the joy when I looked at him. Smiles were replaced with scowls, laughter with yelling. No one should live like that. I had stood in the silence of our dark secret for far too long. It was time to start dealing with the real issue at hand. His addictions.I’ll never forget that day, the day I took up running.

It Takes A Village

THANK YOU family! THANK YOU friends! THANK YOU clients! A very special THANK YOU to Hadley… You all inspire me to dream, to settle for nothing less than happiness. Your willingness to be dragged along on my journey has meant so very much to me.It would be arrogant to think I’d ever be able to make a go at this life alone. That I’d accomplish and amount to anything with out a close team of family and friends to help me do so.I have been pushing hard to make big things happen (dreams). I have so many goals set for myself I’ve pushed aside milestones. I’ve sometimes forgotten to breath and thank the wonderful people around me for their constant support (I’m sending thank you notes right after I post this).It’s unreal to believe in yourself. Self doubt is second nature, and if I’m not sick to my stomach with anxiety I’m worried about why I’m not sick with anxiety. Cruel joke right?! Or is this the pattern that keeps me moving forward, that keep me asking the universe “what’s next?”. I drive myself crazy and I cry a ton (alone in my car).I’m head first into a new project and I’ve paused to evaluate weather to continue or to throw in the towel. I spent the day with my kiddo enjoying all the little things we love to do and in the back of my mind, all day, this thing (new project) has been nagging at me. I was on the edge of quitting and an email came in. It was in response from a member of a group I’m in. The respond was positive, complimentary even, and just like that I’m back in the game. Thank you sweet friend for the encouraging push and the “flip the script” reminder.It truly takes a village… I’m convinced now more than ever. I would be nothing with out my village. I love my village! I am messy, I’m successful, and I’m blessed. I am a women with a village. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My Big Girl Pants Are Giving Me A Wedgie

It all starts with a thought, an idea that will propel my life forward. Then the next thing I know I’m overwhelmed and begging for mercy. I believe I have a sickness LOL, not really. These ideas come to mind and if I don’t act on them they keep me up at night. They nag at any remaining space in my thoughts till I just have to find  away to make things happen.
~Join a support group! Why not, I can fit it in somewhere. Who knew there would be weekly tasks that would push me far out of my comfort zone that I’d need a map to get back.~Salon revamp! Sure, so easy to scale back 20 years of business . It’s been 13 days of beating myself up for making the change. Yup I forgot to text clients back about appointments on the regular. Along with all of the other loose ends some how it all seems to come together.~Raise my daughter. On it! She thinks I’m to busy for her, ugg it hearts my heart. I  thank my lucky stars I’ve got the flexibility to change my schedule to be with her more. Starting that in September, I promise.~Of course it’s time to hire an assistant. I need hand holding and help to keep my work and projects moving forward. Sure, let’s go out and give talks to the local groups of women who are suffering with a loved one that has an addiction. Please universe send me an assitant that will help me make a difference in one woman life.
I’ll never stop pushing myself, it’s just who I am. I’m always learning how to improve on myself and I’m always striving to be thoughtful about how my days are spent away from my kiddo. One things for certain my big girl pants are giving me a wedgie this week.