It Takes A Village

THANK YOU family! THANK YOU friends! THANK YOU clients! A very special THANK YOU to Hadley… You all inspire me to dream, to settle for nothing less than happiness. Your willingness to be dragged along on my journey has meant so very much to me.It would be arrogant to think I’d ever be able to make a go at this life alone. That I’d accomplish and amount to anything with out a close team of family and friends to help me do so.I have been pushing hard to make big things happen (dreams). I have so many goals set for myself I’ve pushed aside milestones. I’ve sometimes forgotten to breath and thank the wonderful people around me for their constant support (I’m sending thank you notes right after I post this).It’s unreal to believe in yourself. Self doubt is second nature, and if I’m not sick to my stomach with anxiety I’m worried about why I’m not sick with anxiety. Cruel joke right?! Or is this the pattern that keeps me moving forward, that keep me asking the universe “what’s next?”. I drive myself crazy and I cry a ton (alone in my car).I’m head first into a new project and I’ve paused to evaluate weather to continue or to throw in the towel. I spent the day with my kiddo enjoying all the little things we love to do and in the back of my mind, all day, this thing (new project) has been nagging at me. I was on the edge of quitting and an email came in. It was in response from a member of a group I’m in. The respond was positive, complimentary even, and just like that I’m back in the game. Thank you sweet friend for the encouraging push and the “flip the script” reminder.It truly takes a village… I’m convinced now more than ever. I would be nothing with out my village. I love my village! I am messy, I’m successful, and I’m blessed. I am a women with a village. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My Big Girl Pants Are Giving Me A Wedgie

It all starts with a thought, an idea that will propel my life forward. Then the next thing I know I’m overwhelmed and begging for mercy. I believe I have a sickness LOL, not really. These ideas come to mind and if I don’t act on them they keep me up at night. They nag at any remaining space in my thoughts till I just have to find  away to make things happen.
~Join a support group! Why not, I can fit it in somewhere. Who knew there would be weekly tasks that would push me far out of my comfort zone that I’d need a map to get back.~Salon revamp! Sure, so easy to scale back 20 years of business . It’s been 13 days of beating myself up for making the change. Yup I forgot to text clients back about appointments on the regular. Along with all of the other loose ends some how it all seems to come together.~Raise my daughter. On it! She thinks I’m to busy for her, ugg it hearts my heart. I  thank my lucky stars I’ve got the flexibility to change my schedule to be with her more. Starting that in September, I promise.~Of course it’s time to hire an assistant. I need hand holding and help to keep my work and projects moving forward. Sure, let’s go out and give talks to the local groups of women who are suffering with a loved one that has an addiction. Please universe send me an assitant that will help me make a difference in one woman life.
I’ll never stop pushing myself, it’s just who I am. I’m always learning how to improve on myself and I’m always striving to be thoughtful about how my days are spent away from my kiddo. One things for certain my big girl pants are giving me a wedgie this week.

Quitting Vs. Moving On

It’s all too often when we change direction in life and exit the “something” we are trying, someone calls us out on it. Quitter! We seem to scramble to make excuses why we are not quitters and in fact we had good reason to move on from our endeavor.Here are a few of my recent Quits or were they?

  1. I blindly signed up with a business coaching group. I believe there is much for me to learn and in my hast for help I fell quickly into the “don’t ask any question, just giver her my money, she said she has a solution” category. Now with that said I have learned a ton from this woman and she has helped my business tremendously, but what she is selling isn’t where I see myself in the future.  I’m not working to my potential and I’m not following instructions. I’m taking what I can and making the projects happen, but not how she is instructing us. This is a costly design, Quitter! Maybe so, but who’s to say when I’m getting results.
  2.  I started counting calories, I did great for months, lost some weight, was feeling so good. What happen you ask, I got busy, stressed, not enough hours in the day, blah blah blah. Plain and simple I quit, I quit on the task, I quit on myself and I quit on the purpose of being healthier and happier with my own body. Boooo, Bad me. This is a clear case of Quitting, so I began again and I will do it better this time because I recognize my triggers that stopped me, this time I will move (trip) past the triggers and work towards my goals and not focus on my failures. Focus on the success, how small they maybe. Calorie counting I love you! I may quit again, who knows, but each time I start, and I will start again, it will get easier to move away from the quitting pattern and follow through to triumph. Wooo!
  3.  I recently was given a health warning, my gut isn’t good and needs a reset. The Master Cleanse was suggested and after researching it I gave it a go. Well I made it 2 days, they suggest 10. The vomiting and nausea got my questioning, where is the love? The headache and dizziness sent me to google, what is an alternative to what I was doing. Start eating food again, ahhh simple, I like that. I quit the cleanse (10day food fast). Quitter! or am I ? I have an awareness now that I didn’t before and I learned a ton about where I should take my food consumption for my gut issues. When faced with my quitting the cleanse I didn’t turn to my standard oreo for comfort, I went to problem solving and eating vegetables. I feel like it’s a win.

Do you see what I’m saying… When is it quitting, giving up and when is it moving on for the greater good of your self, your life.What a horrible feeling to look in the mirror and face the hard truth that when the going gets tough I hightail it for the OREO’s and excuses. I hate that feeling, but today I didn’t take it there. I didn’t go to “Quitter Land”, today I went straight to moving on, today I made the connection that I tried, things don’t always fit at the moment and that ok. These things can be tried again in the future. There is no one grading me on any of this.  I only answer to me and I have to do what’s right for me (Only then will it all be right with the universe).

Sour City

No one wants to be in Sour City.

I ended up there by accident. My happily ever after seemed to be moving along nicely.

The road to Sour City was one I hadn’t realized I was on. The road was paved with apologies and grand gestures made by my addict alcoholic that distracted me from the mile makers (aka red flags) that indicated I was rapidly approaching Sour City.

I was living in an addict alcoholics world, two failed rehab attempts, bootleg suboxzone, drinking day and night while we were raising one very busy toddler, I found myself smack in the middle of Sour City.

It dawned on me as I was pleading, yet again to my addict acholic, “ I don’t want to live like this”. That I’d become sour and worn out. Bitterly unaware that I was just as out of control as my addict alcoholic was. I hated who I allowed myself to become.

I was the Mayor of Sour City and needed to be fired.

All my Moms out there raise your hand if you feel like sometimes your parenting your life partner. So not sexy. We all do it to each other from time to time. It usually doesn’t feel good so we stop. Now raise your hand if you are parenting your life partner who is an addict alcoholic. Now stand up if you can’t make it through an average day without parenting that addict alcoholic. Oh how it burns my cookies to even write that… Welcome to Sour City Moms, the place where we land when there isn’t anything more we can do to “help” our addict alcoholics.

I’m someone who writes stuff down. In an app, a note book, scraps of paper . I’ll write on anything. The urge to write compelles me. It was the reread of my own writing that slapped me with a reality check. I read everything as if I were my friend. Periodically asking myself “If I could help that woman how would I?” My writing spoke of a deep, unforgiving shame, loneliness, and isolation.

So there I was introducing myself to myself and wishing I could help me find my way out of Sour City.

This is the part where I started telling the world my story, even if they didn’t want to hear it. Often I found myself telling myself to stop talking, I didn’t of course. It was like I’d been marinating in Sour City for so long I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I was a volcano of emotion that had erupted and I needed a safe, judgment free zone to share my story and ask for help. I took my search to google. It was slim pickings for Moms like me who had been supportive, supporting and raising my addict alcoholic. With free time being non exsistant I tried groups, one on one therapy, all sorts of 12 steps. I learned so much that first year. So so much. I also learned folks weren’t always great listeners and they were full of advice that didn’t apply to me. The deep loneliness was still there.

My addict alcoholic was in Rehab in FL, thrid round, when I connected with an acquaintance. As she told me her story I felt this strange feeling of belonging. She spoke of her addict alcoholic as if she was speaking of mine. She had the same battle wounds that had gone unattended because she like me was to busy raising her baby and surviving the day. It was so sad that our shared pain brought me the space I’d been looking for. In the months to come my friend offered up a piece of normalcy I hadn’t felt in my life with my addict alcoholic. That year she changed my life. Having that space I was desperate to find, having a sense of belonging, my loneliness started to let up. It was like being able to take a breath again.

A full, deep breath.

Today I’m passionate about creating a space for Sour City Moms to connect, to be heard, to feel the power of belonging and the potential for their loneliness to subside. And maybe, just maybe find their way back to the sweet life.

I’m Frozen With Anxiety

Today I’m frozen with anxiety. The tricky Part about anxiety is that it started days before it’s paralyzing effects took hold. I’ve lovingly labeled my malfunction as “the melt down”. These past few days I was just to busy to slow down and listen to my body tell me it needed to address something. The result is a full on war. It truly makes it hard to function.

My melt down looks something like confusion to the out side world. I walk aimlessly around my space hoping to find anything to ground my spinning top of a brain. I hold my breath then tap on my chest to remind myself to breath. The tools and techniques I have to bring my anexity back to a reasonable, controllable state are vast, but in the moment I feel alone and terrified. It’s a huge undertaking to talk myself out of the panic my brain is telling my body to feel. It’s exhausting to push back the running commentary that has me thinking of all theses horrible untrue things.

I sat down to write in hopes I’d find why I’m having this flare up, it’s been months since it’s been this bad. As of yet nothing is jumping off the page. Maybe sharing today will trigger an ah-ha moment for me.

Here is my must do, don’t think, list when my anexity takes over.

1. Sit in a chair, feet on the floor, and breath.

2. Drink a glass of water.

3. Write down the first things that comes to mind.

4. Make a plan todo something for myself.

Tonight acupuncture.

I will not let my anexity run my day. It just can’t own me today.