I’m Frozen With Anxiety

Today I’m frozen with anxiety. The tricky Part about anxiety is that it started days before it’s paralyzing effects took hold. I’ve lovingly labeled my malfunction as “the melt down”. These past few days I was just to busy to slow down and listen to my body tell me it needed to address something. The result is a full on war. It truly makes it hard to function.

My melt down looks something like confusion to the out side world. I walk aimlessly around my space hoping to find anything to ground my spinning top of a brain. I hold my breath then tap on my chest to remind myself to breath. The tools and techniques I have to bring my anexity back to a reasonable, controllable state are vast, but in the moment I feel alone and terrified. It’s a huge undertaking to talk myself out of the panic my brain is telling my body to feel. It’s exhausting to push back the running commentary that has me thinking of all theses horrible untrue things.

I sat down to write in hopes I’d find why I’m having this flare up, it’s been months since it’s been this bad. As of yet nothing is jumping off the page. Maybe sharing today will trigger an ah-ha moment for me.

Here is my must do, don’t think, list when my anexity takes over.

1. Sit in a chair, feet on the floor, and breath.

2. Drink a glass of water.

3. Write down the first things that comes to mind.

4. Make a plan todo something for myself.

Tonight acupuncture.

I will not let my anexity run my day. It just can’t own me today.

We Are Both Learning

I’m seated in a very tiny room in front of 6 professionals filling me in on procedure and guidelines. My brain is working hard to comprehend what they are saying. I’m working so hard I can’t even glance to my right to look at Kevin (my super supportive boyfriend).

I’m fighting with my mind not to drift, stay focused, don’t panic. My cheeks are on fire from anxiety. I want so badly to understand whats happening with Hadley at school.

I have several, processing disorders that fall under the learning disability category. Diagnosed in elementary school I was given little to no help. It was the 80’s, enough said. The lack of understanding and empathy from the people in my forty hour school week broke my self esteem, leaving my self worth holding on by a thread. I believed I was stupid, a lazy disciplinary problem. My own family was often frustrated and disappointed in me. My brain doesn’t see numbers and letters like most folks. It doesn’t retain and commit things to memory as an average mind would. Years of hard work with experts (work that will never end) has me living a fully functioning adult life. Exhausted, but fully functioning adult, lol.

My sweet Mo has had a front row seat to the deconstruction of her family. She’s witnessed her father spin out of control with alcohol/drugs. She’s had major surgery (not life threatening). She has felt the harshness of mean people, yes adults. She didn’t back down and still gravitates to kind people. Amazing! She met the challenges she faced while watching her Momma’s heartbreak unfold with curiosity and love. She learned to handle situations that she couldn’t begin to understand, confusing even for grownups, with honesty. I’ve learned many things from watching her navigate our lives.

Resilience. Courage. kindness. Equality. Eight years old, these qualities are the ones she carries with her. These are her foundational pillars she shares openly with others (sometime she shares to much, lol). These are the super powers I know will help her work through the school stuff. School could be the thing to take her out. Self esteem, worthynesss, creative problem solving, are at stake in a system built to help our children grow. Scary stuff.

The massive number of children overwhelming our public school teachers leaves my little lady vulnerable to lossing the part of her she doesn’t know to keep safe. The part of her she should know how to keep safe. That part of me that no one showed me how to keep intact. I’m learning how to show her how to keep her self worth safe and intact. It’s our daily conversation about life that guides me to the things she needs from me.

This meeting has served me up a big ah-ha moment. I’m feverishly writing notes in the meeting. So much information. I write myself a note “rise to be the person who fills in the holes for her. Be the Mom that takes responsibility for the things the school can’t give her. Do what you do best, problem solve, get creative. Reach out to your tribe”. I have the most marvelous tribe.

I’m told she’s struggling in an average second grade way and improving with the extra help. She’s in third grade. It’s my understanding there isn’t a enough data todo a full accessment at this time. Ok. I exhale thank them, say our goodbyes.

Now we wait and see what the next 45 days will bring. They are going to look into it and meet with me again.

I’m sacred. I’m sad. I’m a mother with her hackles up. It’s my job. She’s my kid. I’ve started the conversation with school. Her classroom teachers are champions for her, I adore them. No need to sit on my hands waiting though. If I’m unsure about the way the school is working with her it’s my responsibility to keep her moving forward. So many wonderful people in our school. So many wonderful kiddos, but I’m in charge of just one.

This is another life shift… A life lesson for me. I won’t let this be the hole Hadley trips in on the path of growing up.

I Filled the Dumpster

Figuratively I got rid of my emotional garbage. Literally got rid of garbage. Both were clogging up my life and stopping me from moving past my past.

As the full dumpster pulled away this morning a rush of joy filled calm is with me. The painful, humbling journey I’ve been on, that has often left me paralyzed, has come to a close.

The work I’ve done I’ve had to do alone. No one else can do this type of heavy lifting for us. It’s work that is overwhelming and scary. To realize my own life choices got me to a wonderful place is a big win for me. All the tears, all the sweat, all the self doubt, worth it!

6 weeks ago I called a friend, I asked for help. (That’s huge for me). To say it out loud “I can’t hang on to my tiny home.” was devastating.

I was stuck, spinning my wheels, couldn’t breath. She showed up with advice, guidance, solutions. Most of all empathy and love. No shaming or guilt was handed out. In that moment my world shifted.

I’ve learned to forgive (so hard to truly forgive) but was missing a very important piece, actually letting go. I hadn’t realized till Chloe was leaving that day that I needed someone to give me permission to let go. That there was nothing left in my old life. That the proverbially “come back” had started (and I’ve been crushing it) so get moving to a better thing.

Let’s recap…

Fell apart, check

Phoned a friend, check

Asked for help, check

Got said help, check

I’m thrilled with the results, check

OMG! Happiness!

I did the work, I filled the dumpster.

The emotional dumpster and the physical dumpster. I did it alone because I needed too. Asked for help at a crossroad and now I’m moving on to greater things.

Woot woot!

These past few years have brought me to my knees, knocked my on my ass, and punched me in the gut.

To stand on the back porch of my sold home, watching the dumpster pull away, smiling, not crying, feels amazing.

I wish us all to know such joy over something so simple.

You Will Always Have Love

I was 28 when a women next to me at a bar turned abruptly to me and said “You’ll birth a baby girl”.

“Who me?” Little did she know that wasn’t medically possible for me.

“I’m a bit drunk and I’m a medium. There is this nagging something that wants you to know you’ll birth a baby girl”.

I thanked her, I smiled and walked away with my delicious drink. I remember thinking she should slow down she’s had way to much of the good stuff.

I was 35 when the ultrasound tech announced I was having a girl.

Really…

How in Gods name did you get that info from all that fuzzy stuff on that tiny screen and holy hell that lady was right!

Instantly the conversation with the drunk lady in that bar played in my head like a movie.

How did she know!!!!!!

I was rocked to my core. Plenty of drunk strangers have said weird things to me… this one was different. This lady was right.

Last year I came across a lovely women while looking for insight and answers into a long drawn out battle with myself, stay in my marriage or leave.

I had exhausted self help books, therapist, support groups, a local pastor, and all sorts of other traditional “please help me get right with my life” stuff that I could come up with.

Kim was a breath of fresh air. She is a spiritual advisor, she has the ability to channel different energies that show her information. Skeptical right, I know I was, but I was open to anything at this point. The universe literally put her in front of me at a friends house. I won’t go into a ton of detail, but know this, she knew nothing about me. I had never met her. She spent less than 5 min. talking with me before she started her reading with me.

The first thing she said is your first child is always with you. What!!!!! How could she have known I had a miscarriage. Parlor trick?

The second thing she referenced was the “how I found out I was having a girl” situation.

Wait what? I sat still and silent as she tried to explain what the energy/spirt was showing her. “A blonde in a bar who knew before you did? Does that sound right?” She said. My mouth dropped…. there is no way she could come up with that!!!!

I have never included the color of the women’s hair when I retell that story.

Kim, I have got some questions for you!!!

I met with Kim 3 times over the last year. She is lovely. Soft spoken and unobtrusive.

At the end of our last session together she said “they want you to know, no matter what, you will always have love. You will always love and be loved. You won’t be alone”.

It wasn’t till she said it that I was aware of how scared I really was of losing one of the greatest loves I’ve known. Even though it had gone south. I was scared I’d never love again. It was in her words I found the peace and strength to remember “better to have loved and felt loss than never to have loved at all.” With Kim’s final words that day she completed a puzzle that had tore me up for years, stay or leave. Leave because I love myself, leave because I love Hadley, leave because I love him, leave because we all deserve a life less tortured. Leave because we all deserve to be loved in a way that brings us joy.

I’m thankful to have known love and be afraid to lose that love.

Imagine never knowing love… I just can’t.

I believe we’d be lost without love.

I’m driven by my love and am hopefull I’ll find it again.

Terrified

When I’m in the thick of my personal tragedy it is hard to see a future with out the looming repercussions of said tragedy.
I’ve spent many hours filling my head with banter, talking myself into or out of what ever bull crap that was slapping me in the face at the time. Telling myself to just keep going, things will get better. They usually always have gotten better.

These last 3 years wore me down, wore me out, and burned me out. Any love I had for humanity I started to question. Chewed up and spit out seems dramatic, but that’s how It felt.
Last year I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had become my tragedy. Whatttt!!!!! I was terrified and slightly horrified.
I actually hated myself, disgusted that I’d let it take me over. That I had lost the ability to process it and move thru it. I’d been working so hard with my therapist how could this be?! Well you weren’t working on you Ange, you were working on your addict/ alcoholic. Mother of God!!!! (shaking fist at the sky) No one to blame but me.
I lost sight of my foundation, the place I come back to when I’m knocked off my game. Why?

I realized it I hadn’t nurtured or cared for my core foundation. I hadn’t done the work to keep myself standing in my values as I grew and aged. Result… one big tragic storm came along and knocked me on my ass. Holy hell.

Emerging from this tragedy I actually like myself. I’m comfortable again in my skin. The work I’m doing to care for myself and Hadley has me at peace. My heart is open, my head is clear and my foundation strong again.

I will forever be great full that the people I hold in my heart who watched this ugly process and we’re nothing, but kind, understanding, and most of all loving.
With my newly built, intact foundation I’m ready to help carry the weight of our lives again. It’s nice to be back:)